You could write something like ‘Happy 60th! Enjoy your day!’ (Must have exclamation marks.) Or ‘Have a great day!’ Or maybe something slightly more light-hearted such as ‘Ever thought of ironing that shirt you’re wearing…oh wait…you’re not wearing one.’ or something similar.
Amusement and sarcasm aside, I’m always amazed by what you can find on the internet. But to be given lessons on the basics of life, such as what to write inside a 60th birthday card strikes me as something really sad as well as quite damning. Clearly, our educational system ain’t what it used to be, nor it seems parental guidance. It says a lot about our world.
Having said that, the internet is a fabulous place for finding beautiful nuggets of gold. For instance, who would have thought you could search for and find the life-saving lesson ‘How to breathe properly.’ I can see all those people, blue in the face from lack of practise, gasping for oxygen as they frantically scan the instructions before they keel over.
If you’re so inclined you can find out ‘How to tie your shoelaces.’ This is clearly aimed at very young people with very confusing shoes and not oldies who have wisely shunned laces for Velcro.
For the dapper and daft as a brush, there’s ‘How to button a suit.’ No one wants to look as though a chimpanzee has dressed them. And for the benevolent and caring type, there’s ‘What to say when someone is sick.’ One has to be sympathetic here but ‘You sound better on the phone’ or ‘Have you made a will?’ springs to mind.
Best Google search suggestions - more weird than accurate
These are all real Google search terms, or more correctly, predictions, that pop up. Note the word predictions, as technically it’s called Google autocomplete, as explained here How Google autocomplete works.
I thought ridiculous searches such as ‘How to put one foot in front of the other’ might be stretching it. But no, there it is, in full Google glory. All this advice is useful for those everyday moments. After all, who wouldn’t want to know how to put one foot in front of the other? Stumbling around Sainsbury's would be unbearably embarrassing.
Useful search suggestions. Sort of
So I thought I’d come up with some ideas for searches that the less well-equipped among us would gladly appreciate and find extremely useful in everyday life:
What to do when the Taliban parachutes into your back garden
Hide your wives and run like hell, most probably. I’m sure the SAS would help with this. (Note when, not if, just to scare the shit out of you.)
How to pretend to smile while taking a selfie
This is obvious, as everyone needs to learn how not to look as if they’re witnessing an execution.
How to prepare your bathroom if The Queen needs a poo
The Queen is like any normal person. Apparently, she likes the toilet roll in the ‘over’ position. Liz is very traditional like that.
How to stare at a blue sky
For those glorious English summer days. You know, that one day when it’s not pissing down.
Which vol-au-vents are best for funerals
You’d be surprised how important this is. The deceased might have lost his appetite, but the guests are famished.
How to empty a spittoon
If your local pub is anything like mine, you need to know this.
How to stop your dog from singing I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas
Mutts can be annoying at times. They’re good learners though.
What to do with a pre-loved Pratt & Whitney PW4000
If one falls out of the sky you need to know what to do. eBay might be a start.
How to spell monosodium glutamate
Everyone wants to know what goes into their food these days. Spelling helps with complaints about the bad food and service.
How to stop yourself from vomiting when you hear your parents having sex
We’ve all been there. Eew…
What to do when your cat doesn’t mow the lawn properly
Cats are clever things but sometimes they fuck up on the basics.
What to do if David Icke knocks on your front door
Freaky things happen. Got to learn these things.
How to cope with the trauma of losing a flip flop
Summer will be ruined. Best open up another beer.
There are so many other really useful things the world could benefit from. But time, space and enthusiasm have run out. In the meantime, take care, and enjoy learning the basics of life. Happy searching.